11.27.2004
ROC day 3
ROC day 3
I hated reading... I still do cept that i'm actually doing it. I hate how even words in a book can make me smile. I hate how it can make me imagine. I also hate how it can also hurt me. Maybe that's why i hate reading... fiction of course. I dig the tech books that teach you how to do things. homefixing/cooking/taking better pictures...etc.. Maybe that's why i hate books. Maybe that's why i never came across of the idea that a book can actually connect to each individual emotionally. I hate the fact that something as 'dead' as words in a book can actually bring some 'life' out of me.
I was thinking about the reason why i'm a commitment-phobic.. (as with the majority of straight guys) . Some of them dun wanna commit becoz they want to do other things... try out other things... and explore 'life' so to speak.. but in short just wanna fuck ard first before doing it. Some people can't commit becoz of distance... not having any plans... and not wanting to drag the other party down. And there are some people that can't commit becoz they've got other committments.
I suddenly realised yesterday night why i can't commit. I have dreams that don't want to be destroyed. Say for example, I want to be with Diana... I want to grow with her, date her all over again, get married, get our shophse... etc etc. That's a dream. Even if she so decides to go with the french fuck loser, that will still be a dream becoz there's still a possibility .. a 'what if she leaves him' factor and comes back to me. See? then the dream still exist. Say at the same time, I want to be with Melissa... I want to get an apartment with her, go to the places we've talked about etc etc. That'll be a dream as well. And as long as i don't do jack shit about any of them, these so called 'dreams' still exist. Even if they aren't in reality, they still exist. But if i get into any of them, the other 'dream' doesn't exist anymore. And evenmore so, the one that i choose might not even work out after a while.. then i'll have none of the dreams. I'm left with nothing. Maybe This is why i can't commit... the fear of loosing it all.. Even as dreams in my fucking head, they'll fail to even be there anymore coz i fucked up and nothing happens.
I'm such a dreamer. Maybe that's why i've got all these fucking ideas and plans in my head but they never emerge as anything substantial in reality. But i'm in a way.. still happy.
Fuck.. i think i'm suffering from psychosis.... irony as i posed on the front page of the woodbridge brochure... with the heading - 'psychosis.... i could happen to anyone'.
Yes... that's me on the cover...
| louis at 16:42friends
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3 Comments:
Isn't it ironic how u talk about dreams when u always said I lived in my dreamland and thought that the world was perfect?
Well... dreams will always be dreams... and life will never be a bed of roses.. BUT dreams are always a good place to start coz you might just get close enough to living it.
So dream away...
hmmm yeah.. maybe i'm just not wanting to let go of the dreams as yet... stupid eh?.. reality BITES...no?
Everything great begins with a dream. All great dreams begin with faith.
aly
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