ROC day 3
I hated reading... I still do cept that i'm actually doing it. I hate how even words in a book can make me smile. I hate how it can make me imagine. I also hate how it can also hurt me. Maybe that's why i hate reading... fiction of course. I dig the tech books that teach you how to do things. homefixing/cooking/taking better pictures...etc.. Maybe that's why i hate books. Maybe that's why i never came across of the idea that a book can actually connect to each individual emotionally. I hate the fact that something as 'dead' as words in a book can actually bring some 'life' out of me.
I was thinking about the reason why i'm a commitment-phobic.. (as with the majority of straight guys) . Some of them dun wanna commit becoz they want to do other things... try out other things... and explore 'life' so to speak.. but in short just wanna fuck ard first before doing it. Some people can't commit becoz of distance... not having any plans... and not wanting to drag the other party down. And there are some people that can't commit becoz they've got other committments.
I suddenly realised yesterday night why i can't commit. I have dreams that don't want to be destroyed. Say for example, I want to be with Diana... I want to grow with her, date her all over again, get married, get our shophse... etc etc. That's a dream. Even if she so decides to go with the french fuck loser, that will still be a dream becoz there's still a possibility .. a 'what if she leaves him' factor and comes back to me. See? then the dream still exist. Say at the same time, I want to be with Melissa... I want to get an apartment with her, go to the places we've talked about etc etc. That'll be a dream as well. And as long as i don't do jack shit about any of them, these so called 'dreams' still exist. Even if they aren't in reality, they still exist. But if i get into any of them, the other 'dream' doesn't exist anymore. And evenmore so, the one that i choose might not even work out after a while.. then i'll have none of the dreams. I'm left with nothing. Maybe This is why i can't commit... the fear of loosing it all.. Even as dreams in my fucking head, they'll fail to even be there anymore coz i fucked up and nothing happens.
I'm such a dreamer. Maybe that's why i've got all these fucking ideas and plans in my head but they never emerge as anything substantial in reality. But i'm in a way.. still happy.
Fuck.. i think i'm suffering from psychosis.... irony as i posed on the front page of the woodbridge brochure... with the heading - 'psychosis.... i could happen to anyone'.
Yes... that's me on the cover...
| louis at 16:42friends
alywin
diana
charmaine
norman
ivan
sahila
mimosa
nicky
sharon
val
gracia
Jenn
sel
previously
ROC
the reality show
going off to taiwan
beijing
...something to remember...before it finally goes....
sleepless week
MONOday
End's a Bitch
WALAs
MAMBO NITE
archives
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
3 Comments:
Isn't it ironic how u talk about dreams when u always said I lived in my dreamland and thought that the world was perfect?
Well... dreams will always be dreams... and life will never be a bed of roses.. BUT dreams are always a good place to start coz you might just get close enough to living it.
So dream away...
hmmm yeah.. maybe i'm just not wanting to let go of the dreams as yet... stupid eh?.. reality BITES...no?
Everything great begins with a dream. All great dreams begin with faith.
aly
Post a Comment
<< Home