MONOday
I havent' been blogging fer god knos who long. I was scared that anyone who reads might see my true me. I was scared that i will be saying the wrong thing. I was scared that each time i type something about someone, that someone will become defensive and totally against me. I was scared of rejection. Fear that people will label be as the bastard of the year again. Fear of not being able to please everyone. I was scared of myself.
Then again, i was thinking, if i'm always living with a false mask, then i'm not really living me no?. And that wad my dad said before he left me, "nobody owes you your own happiness"...doesn't stand anymore? I dread the thought of knowing that i've been living to please the pple ard me. I was pissed to know that everything i've done has been gone to waste.. WTF is this?.. this aint a game of survivor?! My friends are my friends. Whether i pissed them or not. And they are the ones that i've been caring fer, not scheming against.?! Shit... Big mistake... Organising ALywin's Birthday in the hotel last year, bbq at selwyn's this year, getting adrian alcohol ice popsicles, being there for nicky when he came back from aust, burning normies music CD in the late nite, getting ivan that Levis shirt, organising all the potty lucks... and cooking sessions, hell i even brought out my old fryer to make smelling fried chicken..man... I did all that coz i wanted them to know that they are special. I'm not trying to please the guys.. i was afraid of loosing them. I was afraid tat at the end of the day, they'll see the bad-ass, bastard me and then judge me and then tell me to fuck off. Yes fuck off louis, you're such a heart breaker, you have screwed the lives of many and you should eat your own heart coz it probably is the worst tasting thing in the world.
Then i guess it doesn't matter if they think i'm an ass. They just have to accept that i am one. And let me be. Let me grow. Let me be.
I read Alywin's Blog...i almost cried. Depressing? maybe. But more so, i felt that i'm the luckiest person alive. Knowing that there are such friends ard. I read Nicky's blog, and i felt inspired. Looking at his NZ pictures, and him posting them up even tho he lost all the negatives, made me really wonder... why do i do wad i'm doing. I read Diana's blog, and i felt friendship. I loved her, and i still do. That we were once bestest of friends, where she loved me unconditionally even when i was so fuckign conditional. Even when she stood by me the bastard. I found out that this intelligent girl wasn't slow as how stupid i viewed her. She was bringing herself to my sick level of speech. I was the slow dumblond. And as usual... I'm biting my own arse again. That's louis for you.
End's a Bitch
"in the end it doesnt raelly matter..." does it eventually? after the lyrics die down? Maybe it does, when the music fades, and the next song plays, then a new mood arises.
Some say that in a relationship, when it ends... the feelings will linger on forever till god knows when.. does it? Coz if feelings continue to linger.. it means the relationship hasn't really ended..no?
Some say that after the ending, there'll be sunshine and a nice rainbow. I see it as shit hitting the fan. and it's all over now...
friends
alywin
diana
charmaine
norman
ivan
sahila
mimosa
nicky
sharon
val
gracia
Jenn
sel
previously
something from awhile back
it's been awhile
the snow at grouse
2008
last post 2007
wtf
okie.... it's been a long while.. min min reminded...
paris
Cairo
mellowish
archives
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
