lost again
This is a year of lost.
Lets see, firstly , i lost my digital camera at dempsey, secondly, i lost my handphone at ikea, then i almost lost my black ring that i got from taiwan..hmm, maybe i've also lost my first serious girlfriend? haha... bad joke. Loosing everything.. i dunno wad next. Hope i dun loose my shop.
Anywayz, the renos are almost done... It's been a very tiring week of knocking furniture together, fixing the electrical outlets and wirings, sawing, cutting, sanding, varnishing, and painting. Aside from that i've been also thinking of the business operations, and other logistical crap. Well, thanks to alywin and nicky, they helped painting the exterior of the wall.. but no thanks to nicky.. he nicely left a corner fer me to fill haha... kidding... And not forgetting selwyn's white wall.. too bad there werent enuff white paint, or i'll get you to paint other things. Adrian and Diana fer varnishing the first coat of my wooden platform. It's really nice having the guys around, be it fer helping out, or just being there to talk or have a smoke. Most of the days i find myself all alone in the shop, doing my own thing, wondering if wad i'm doing is the right thing to do. I must admit that it was a very rash decision, and a very not-well-thought of thing to do, but maybe i was in a frusted mind and had to do it. Sometimes i dun even have thw answers to why i'm doing it. I just hope it'll work. Well, if it doesn't, then i'll just dump the idea and go do something else.
Everyone says this phrase 'Life's short'. Yet the many things we do in our lives are always so senseless, mindless, and stupid. Making our life pretty 'not worth-while'. Or .. worthless. Sometimes i want to do everything that it has to offer. As it is i'll always want to experience the things that i've never experience yet.. Like go to uni overseas, assist for a photographer overseas, shoot fer some kickass magazine, travel, hike, backpack, or even things like set up a little store to sell my photos in postcard size, etc etc. so many fucking things to do. Even sometimes, i look back, and wonder things like how it would be if i was in JC.. or if i went for that course that was open in secondary school. So many things to do.
At the end of my life i absolutely dun wan to look back and see tat the things ive done was totally not worth it. Guess it's that stupid thing we read in write comm that counts now no?... about the process of getting there, and not the status eventually.?
Just had a really good nite at adrians place last nite. swam, a little bit of tennis, and a really good bbq. Nicky and I made one of the best.. or should i say, the bestest fire in all my bbqs put together... right bro? had a lot to eat, drink and smoke.. Chess was really gooooood. It was a great challenge i must say, teaming up with alywin against norman and johan.. who were so damn sure that they'll win half-way thru. but guess who fucked themselves with that move to check us with that bishop? hey aly,.. great game no Sir?
Mahjong was fun, but as usual, i dun really know how to play, so.. busted myself some turns. bah.. didn't lose much money tho.. 2 bucks?
Ivan was talking about this girl that he's met and going out fer a date.,.,.. etc. Nicky was talking about Aska, and all of us were all asking him stuffs. Someone said "isn't is nice to know that your friends are supportive and interested in your girl???"..... I kept quiet not knowing wad to say. It felt like a slap in the face, a really tight slap - one of those that'll leave you totally speechless and defeated. And that was precisely the lousy feeling i've had fer god knows how long. I've been going out with mel, and it always have been just me an her,.. sometimes, johan.. or aly. But never had i introed her into the group. Fer obvious reasons like some of them have something against her. Sometimes it really hurts. esp when there's something happening at..say walas, I ask," izzit ok if i bring mel along?" and one of them will tell me 'diana's there, what do you think?' .. duh.
I'm dying to bring her out with everyone. but i know that it's now a good idea. When is? Aska's been here, soon ivan's chick. hell even shiyan has had a drink with us. fuck. where's the support and the friends when i need them?.... oh well. i guess everyone has their own agenda, and sometimes no matter how right i think things are, there're always some that'll think otherwise. fuck 'em.
Which brings me to my next point, i'm thinking of organising a little dinner... before i start my shop in feb, and just to experiment if anyone actually reads my shit.... which of you guys say a big "AY" ?.. say dinner somewhere end of this week?
hmm
Something interesting i've just read...
"Just don't feel like shaving off slices of my soul and stuffing them into a CD-ROM drive anymore."
- kwmullet (post from a forum page)
A nice way of putting how i feel when i shoot digital.
2005.
I am not known to make very good, sound decisions. Looking back at 2004, and i see all the fucked up, messed up things that i've did. But sometimes, making those fucked up decisions may just be the route to making a sounder, wiser decision in the future. Even if i've had to make the same stupid mistake for a hundred times.
I've seen the good, the bad, the nasty sides of so many people around me. Sometimes i wonder if i base all my decisions on the things people around me say. Inevitably i guess we all do - being influenced by the way people respond to the actions that you do. Therefore sometimes, making a decision doesn't just stop there. It's not all about sticking to a decision after making it. Sometimes, it's not as 'easy' as that.
I wished some of my friends are more sensitive to certain feelings. That after all, there are always 2 sides to a coin. Sometimes, it saddens me, even angers me that they only see one side, and utterly refuse to see the other one - even after explanations and clarifications. But ultimately, it hurts me to know some truths that exists, and i'd just have to live with it.
Alywin's words kept ringing in my head. "Di will always be di and Mel will always be mel." - you just can't fuse them together - i tthought. It's so stupid that man, being man.. will always want to seek a perfection in life. Quoting from him again, "Contentment is only derived from the gratification of fleeting needs." And of cause, always being countered by the blatant truth by Nicky - "Men are inherently promiscuous."
I guess making a decision is the first step. Having a bunch of friends that need not neccessarily understand the reason why the decision is being made - but still treating and respecting me as a friend is a next step. I'm tired of trying to convince people around me why i had to make a certain decision, but i'm hoping that they'll be a friend to me. I can't deny the fact that sometimes, i can be a fucked up friend, but at the end of the day i love you all. Here's just something i wish to say to you guys:
Nicky - you have been a brother that always tell me that blatant truth. Remembering your words," Xi huan jiu yao, Bu Xi huan jiu bu yao" in translation "Like then want , dun like then dun want". Sometimes you put something so messy into a simple 'yes/no' question. And of cause, you have your times that tell me 'WWND' (what would nicky do) and 'WSND' (what should nicky do). And yes.. we're all going to hell together.
Alywin - my recce commander, my source of lame excuse to go have coffee and beer. My luckyteens, and Maria Takagi mate and my jaychou k-box sing-along pal. Car rides with you on those days where we had no where to go were amazingly filled with good laughter, talk and conversations. Sometimes i feel that you translates many of my thoughts into words and we talk about it. Will miss ya to hell when you leave.
Selwin - No, you haven't been forgotten, and i know that you're going to leave for australia some where mid of this year. Thanks for being a sweetee to diana. A lot of times, away from all the attention from everyone, you'll see who's hurt, and who needs a little talking, and you've done that with diana. Sometimes because of cleaning up a mess that i created. Maybe we haven't been having enuff 'singha' sessions and talking about stuffs, but we've been there and definately will come by again soon one day.
Norman - You are your own opinion. You dictate your life and nothing will stop you from your thoughts, actions, and decisions. - hmm maybe that's wad i could learn from you. You are you lar.. and nothing will ever change that fact about the consistent you.
Johan - No, you're the 4th person i write about but that doesn't mean that you're not important. In fact, you have been one brother that have always stood by me. Remember wad i said to you? Stood by me even after all the people in the world have left me. Tho we have our differences sometimes, i'll never forget your arm around my shoulders, telling me you'll always be there for me. (no, you're not gay.)
Ivan - Try not to get drunk .
In no order of merit and not extensive. I wish all the best in the things you guys do this year. Thanks for being at the NYE's thingy at my un-finished shop. Wished you guys wouldn't been there more often tho' not for cheap labour, but sometimes, just companionship. All of us are moving our seperate routes in our lives. Some studying, some working, some bumming. But i hope the bond that we've created in the past few years are something so tangible that we'll never forget these moments in our life. I for one will definately not. It's something so real in my life, and something so important that i've grown to love.
Love you all,
Louis
friends
alywin
diana
charmaine
norman
ivan
sahila
mimosa
nicky
sharon
val
gracia
Jenn
sel
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it's been awhile
the snow at grouse
2008
last post 2007
wtf
okie.... it's been a long while.. min min reminded...
paris
Cairo
mellowish
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