11.21.2004
going off to taiwan

things arent exactly moving the way i see it going in my mind... isn't it normal?
After i got back from China, i though that di was the person that i saw myself with.... I missed the way WE travelled. no curfews, just wake up and off we go, travelling like cows in a trailer, not caring where we went. bought things that we both liked, she suprised me with her shopping finds... living the normad life. I thought that that was wad i wanted... someone carefree.. hippy.

With mel, it was all fixed. hotel bookings, time-tables, fixed time, she had travelling sickness, and i had to take care of her. not tat i minded all that, but i was not myself during the trip. I morphed. into wat? i don't know. Then it struck me when i got back,.. was di the best thing that i lost in my life? for something else that i wasn't used to? Or am i just wanting something that i got used to?

I hate to make decisions, i make really bad ones... that's why i'm off to taiwan for 3 weeks. Escaping from it all? such a guy thing to do eh? when i return, i wish everything was solved by itself... no no it doesn;t work that way rite? I hate to deal with problems.... such a wuss. such a sick weak loser. i think that i'd run away to another planet... meet some nice alien... and then multiply some mutant kid... hmmm maybe the same problems will happen. maybe i should just get together with an inanimate object... like a doll or something... that wud be sick..

i guess i should just hang a sign on me... telling pple to stay away from entering my torn heart, where nothing is ever decided and how black with soot it has from all the smoking i've been churning into my life...

I compare... both of them.. i know i shouldn't , but inevitably i do. And sometimes i wish there's a human ADOBE... that can merge the different layers. It has been awhile since i've been happy. ... a long while...

and since i'm not doing anything about my shit state.. i guess.. i'll have to be alone again..... .....naturally

| louis at 19:23