11.28.2004
ROC4 SUNBURNT!

I went out of camp at 530am. I was on a hill.. pretty hill up... and just as i remembered it. I was there the whole day. It was beautiful. There was just swaying grass all over.. and where i was.. there wasn't any trees.. just endless grass... overlooking another hill.. another spurline... a long ridgeline.. and then yet another hill.. my nose became as red as some cooked lobster.. i'm sunburnt. sigh. After a couple of hours, the view became a little boring. so i continued reading my book... then i spoke to my partner for a bit.. a 20yr old JC kid.. was pretty okie.. except that he couldn't hear me.. and only understood me after i repeated myself 3 times. IS IT JUST ME??? argh. I slept a little.. some cadets came and went.. not knowing where they were. This simply reminded me of how frustrated i was when i was doing my navigation... and being irritated at the sight of the instructors lazing ard... ha.. i'm on this end now sucker~!

I just got back.. it's 1900hrs... my face is red.. i just downed a beer.. and skipped dinner.. i didn't had lunch but dun really care coz i'm gonna eat some noodles that i bought at 7-11 on the way back.

I'm not assigned to man any checkpoints, relay points or log points during the green/red beret exercise tomolo.. it's a 4 day exercise where the cadets are given a number of checkpoints to look for. This was a nightmare when i was a cadet... but it was much better then as the routes were pretty established.. the ninja vans ( food vans ) knew all the checkpoints and visited the cadets offering them hot food for cold cash. These knew checkpoints (which i planted some yesterday) were pretty far from main rd.. so.. poor cadets..

Instead... my task is to roam ard the entire training area... visiting the poor pple posted at checkpoints.. and send them 'siao long pao'.. and of coz do some filming of these pathetic cadets trying to find their way to checkpoints.. hiaz... gd life..(i hope~!)

I kinda like to end this post by quoting something from a book that i'm currently reading..
"maybe she's out there.... she exists.. just that i haven't found her yet.."

enuff davidoffs, mabs, and salams... for now.. till later... aly.. i still remember your 555s... the packaging looks like crap but i'm getting em fer you anyway...=)

2 comments | louis at 19:03



11.27.2004
ROC day 3

I hated reading... I still do cept that i'm actually doing it. I hate how even words in a book can make me smile. I hate how it can make me imagine. I also hate how it can also hurt me. Maybe that's why i hate reading... fiction of course. I dig the tech books that teach you how to do things. homefixing/cooking/taking better pictures...etc.. Maybe that's why i hate books. Maybe that's why i never came across of the idea that a book can actually connect to each individual emotionally. I hate the fact that something as 'dead' as words in a book can actually bring some 'life' out of me.

I was thinking about the reason why i'm a commitment-phobic.. (as with the majority of straight guys) . Some of them dun wanna commit becoz they want to do other things... try out other things... and explore 'life' so to speak.. but in short just wanna fuck ard first before doing it. Some people can't commit becoz of distance... not having any plans... and not wanting to drag the other party down. And there are some people that can't commit becoz they've got other committments.

I suddenly realised yesterday night why i can't commit. I have dreams that don't want to be destroyed. Say for example, I want to be with Diana... I want to grow with her, date her all over again, get married, get our shophse... etc etc. That's a dream. Even if she so decides to go with the french fuck loser, that will still be a dream becoz there's still a possibility .. a 'what if she leaves him' factor and comes back to me. See? then the dream still exist. Say at the same time, I want to be with Melissa... I want to get an apartment with her, go to the places we've talked about etc etc. That'll be a dream as well. And as long as i don't do jack shit about any of them, these so called 'dreams' still exist. Even if they aren't in reality, they still exist. But if i get into any of them, the other 'dream' doesn't exist anymore. And evenmore so, the one that i choose might not even work out after a while.. then i'll have none of the dreams. I'm left with nothing. Maybe This is why i can't commit... the fear of loosing it all.. Even as dreams in my fucking head, they'll fail to even be there anymore coz i fucked up and nothing happens.

I'm such a dreamer. Maybe that's why i've got all these fucking ideas and plans in my head but they never emerge as anything substantial in reality. But i'm in a way.. still happy.

Fuck.. i think i'm suffering from psychosis.... irony as i posed on the front page of the woodbridge brochure... with the heading - 'psychosis.... i could happen to anyone'.

Yes... that's me on the cover...

3 comments | louis at 16:42



11.26.2004
ROC

Just reached the training camp in Taiwan yesterday... It's windy, but warmer than expected. I was in the wing instructors' bunk, and settled my stuff there.. tired setting up the laptop and all the other stuffs wanting to start doing my editing of the video stuffs i've taken during the day. Only to realise that the DV cable to connect to the pc wasn't packed in... trust them to do it..

I just moved into the auxiilary instructors' bunk today... much better as i didn't know any of the pple in the previous bunk.. not that i know any of these guys, but preferred them as they were all NSFs... not the regular donks.. They probably got scared of me when i wore my aomc T-shirt.. haha..

I had to go for a recce for a navigational exercise in 2 days.. and set up all the checkpoints... hmm... i never carried 5 pickets and a monkey ram up the dam hill before.. and tot that it's a cadet's life. hmmm shoulders' aching now.

We were back in camp by lunch... but by then, i've already eaten a chicken cutlet, and pao and downed a coke on the way back.. aaaah.... life as an instructor. Pretty much didn't do anything the rest of the day. Only went up the cemetary with the cadets and taught them how to use their siva compass. -i've always wanted to be an instructor.. well at least i showed the kids i've some knowledge that they don't have..

I think my NSF life is pretty much wholesomely complete.. -started as any normal person in bmt...3 months later became a clerk in a recruitment office... then spent a month in airforce school.. then another month in australia to fly a plane... after that went to Officer School for 10 months in which i've learnt so much and was allowed to continue taking photos outfield. During which i was in Taiwan for infantry training, then to Brunei for Jungle Survival course. After my commissioning, i was posted to the army officer's manangement center to manage the holding list - my fair share of staff/office work... before finally heading to taiwan again to do instructional and support work. ... Guess i've done pretty much everything...and on th 16th Dec... the very day that i wake up in taipei... on the way back in the SIA Raffles Class seat.... I WILL BE DONE..... nice

But i think however 'blessed' my 2.5years in the army has been.. i think it's countered by a pretty screwed up personal life.. hmm... trade off?.. i think i could have handled alot of situations better. But even after all those 'mistakes' i've made.. i dun thnk i've learnt much to change...

Maybe like what ethan said in ... or is it before?.. haha.. "that we never change the way we are ultimately"?... the way we handle things... are almost similar throughout our lives. Oh.. btw... i watched that show twice on the plane.. Never got to finish it though as i fell asleep the first one.. and there wasn't enuff time for the second round. But i did connect with alot of things they spoke about. I ALWAYS thought that shows like these are meant for pple like nicky... (not implaying anything).. but i've never expected to be so..... so.... you know.. 'feel' for a movie. Alot of stuffs they spoke about hit me... spot pinned in the issues i'm currently facing.. hiaz... I totally agree when he said that as humanz... sometimes we feel that we 'enjoy' suffering as it keeps as wanting something better in life. But sometimes that wanting something better in life makes as the horrible preson that we don't want to be. ...just one of the many things... i dun even know how to phrase them properly... I'll probably watch it again on the way back.. hopefully it'll still be playing.

I did some reading on the bus to the camp... the show they were screen was anaconda2.. i hate shows like these. .. plain stupid. I was reading by Tony Parsons... Once again, for a person that don't usually read.. i felt emotionally drawned to the book... Argh.. Louis biting his arse again.. ha.. Esp when the writer depicts his feelings to his son that he wasn't living with anymore. I felt like the boy.. fuck.. and i didn't expect the pains for a father that only sees his kid once a week. I brought me back to when my father was still alive.. and to a certain extent, i've never felt how HE felt. ... I was on the recieving end. I was that boy... oblivious to the emotions that my dad felt. Was it THAT bad?.. seeing me once in a while? I certainly wished that i had dealt with the whole matter better then.. but hey.. i was ... 16?..18? Crap..... Am gonna try to finish the book when i'm here.. hopefully.. Guess i would as i will have a lot of reading time when i'm out manning the checkpoints for 3 days...

Okie... it's dinner time now... need to grab some grub. Been smoking a good share of cigs.. here. it's windy/cold at night.. not to mention lonely. ...naturally..


2 comments | louis at 17:05



11.23.2004
the reality show

Just got home from a home-coming dinner for ivan and norman. Then had drinks at alleybar. Things were pretty quiet less the usual norman trying to send a sms thing on aly's phone.

I kinda hate it. The fact that all we 'talk' about now is what we write on our blogs. In some wierd way, so much is not communicated anymore when we go for drinks, and update each other on the recent events that are happening in our lives. It's almost we're not meeting up when we are meeting up.

I hate the fact that Diana has found someone else to share her nomad life with. That I've lost her completely already. I can't get a grip on her anymore, so much so as i don't even have a grip on myself. I hate the fact that i only found out while reading her blog, and even more so when i did felt something about her meeting with this muther fucker, just that i didn't potray it. Ask alywin...wad i said during lunch at his place the other day. I hate the fact that i hate it. I hate the fact that it's exactly what i said she'll be doing. getting a fuck frenche in her life. FUCK.

I hate the fact that we cant talk anymore. Not that i don't want to but i don't know how to. It's a stinky feeling that i'm not in control anymore. I hate the fact that i can't bring myself to feel myself anymore too.

I miss the Singha sessions where we were all downing our beers and telling each other more than just updates. It was filled with laughter, jokes, future dreams, plans...etc.

I miss the time where things were as simple as meeting up for dinner, and watching a show and having supper.

I miss the times where all of us were all into each other's lives as if our very own depended on them.

I miss the potlucks where the guys will be cooking in the kitchen and the girls will be watching tee-vee. The Lord of the Rings movie marathons, Singapore Idols, and drinking wierd shots that i come up with.

I miss the birthday parties we attended, and the times where clubbed all night, ending at a supper place at river valley.

I miss the Diana overnights at my place where we'll be talking and sharing our dreams with each other.

I miss the Diana calling every now and then coz she's bored. Or when i'm bored, i'd call her and make some stupid noise just to amuse her.

I miss making Diana laugh.

I miss telling people about the studio that will now no longer exist.

Very soon, Aly will be leaving for Aust. Nicky will be busy with work. The girls will have their own jobs. Same with the rest of the guys. Diana will still be flying around the world socialising with the merry fucking men of the world. I will still be searching for myself. I will still be wondering what ifs, why didn'ts and should I's. Even if i set my foot down on something, i'll always be back to square one. Nothing works out. I've lost her and I know it. And i hate it. I don't live for others, but i can't stop feeling for them.

Fuck...can't save a game now and play it again when i want to no? Life's not a computer game... it's a reality series.

2 comments | louis at 23:52



11.21.2004
going off to taiwan

things arent exactly moving the way i see it going in my mind... isn't it normal?
After i got back from China, i though that di was the person that i saw myself with.... I missed the way WE travelled. no curfews, just wake up and off we go, travelling like cows in a trailer, not caring where we went. bought things that we both liked, she suprised me with her shopping finds... living the normad life. I thought that that was wad i wanted... someone carefree.. hippy.

With mel, it was all fixed. hotel bookings, time-tables, fixed time, she had travelling sickness, and i had to take care of her. not tat i minded all that, but i was not myself during the trip. I morphed. into wat? i don't know. Then it struck me when i got back,.. was di the best thing that i lost in my life? for something else that i wasn't used to? Or am i just wanting something that i got used to?

I hate to make decisions, i make really bad ones... that's why i'm off to taiwan for 3 weeks. Escaping from it all? such a guy thing to do eh? when i return, i wish everything was solved by itself... no no it doesn;t work that way rite? I hate to deal with problems.... such a wuss. such a sick weak loser. i think that i'd run away to another planet... meet some nice alien... and then multiply some mutant kid... hmmm maybe the same problems will happen. maybe i should just get together with an inanimate object... like a doll or something... that wud be sick..

i guess i should just hang a sign on me... telling pple to stay away from entering my torn heart, where nothing is ever decided and how black with soot it has from all the smoking i've been churning into my life...

I compare... both of them.. i know i shouldn't , but inevitably i do. And sometimes i wish there's a human ADOBE... that can merge the different layers. It has been awhile since i've been happy. ... a long while...

and since i'm not doing anything about my shit state.. i guess.. i'll have to be alone again..... .....naturally

click to comment | louis at 19:23



11.12.2004
beijing

it's freezin now....in beijing...
In sochiro's house burning CDs.
Too many things happened during the past week, and i can't wait to get back to a warm singapore... before i go to Taiwan for another 3 weeks. Making plans now to meet Kay's Sister in Taipei and somebody else in Kaoshiong..
anwayz... greetings to everyone in Spore... the gang and all =).. havent heard anything frm you guys.. hope everything's fine... got some cool shit here for you all... haa...+seeya..soon

1 comment | louis at 01:14



11.05.2004
...something to remember...before it finally goes....

Somehow it's begining to kick in....// We were suppose to have our first high tea together at mariott. We were suppose to have our shop house. We were suppose to have our little dog and cat. We were suppose to have our kickass holiday in alsaka, mongolia, nepal and tibet. We were suppose to get married outdoors under a marque with white flowers on the grass. We were suppose to name our baby Dylan and Estella. They were suppose to be twins. We were suppose take our nude wedding photos. // We were suppose to be THE couple. Somehow i will know that the moment she finds someone else to give her heart to, i'll be too shattered to know that i've lost someone that shared the exact same future as me. And somehow i know that even if i try getting back what's lost, it'll be a futile attempt to do so coz she's one person that loves wholeheartedly. She's one person that gives her entire soul to the person she loves. And i will forever know that i've lost what i once loved. // I hope my plane crashes... ... And in the greenday mood now, i wanna be woken up when the Boulevard of Broken Dreams ends, turning the living life into a waiting game forever. Love you dearie. //

click to comment | louis at 23:25



11.04.2004
sleepless week

This week has got to be the tiring week. Maybe i'm just frustrated that things aren't working out the way i thought it could be. May i'm just overwhelmed by the many thoughts that are in my head.... ho well. Had a shoot at samuel's place yesterday.... some pipa player and a gay pianist.. wad combination.. no wonder they're performing together. No Pay shoot from 10pm to 1am. Prior to that i had a painful evening trying to retrieve the camera for the shoot. Johan was to pass to Nick for a photo shoot he had in the afternoon. at1730, when i called Nicky to arrange for the camera, he said he didn't get it from Johan in the end. I had to go all the way to Eunos to get the camera from Johan's maid. Then on the way to Eunos, I got a phone call from Johan saying that the memory cards are with him... in Tampines!.. I had to go all the way there. Then went all the way back to city hall to carrie's mason to get my supplies from nicky. Spent some time there... all this while in my uniform! Crazy... by the time i got home to change, it was already 2130. Then for the shoot. Argh.....!!!!!!!!!!! I totally hate it too that the fact that the shophouse is on a standstill... WAs suppose to spend the next week fixing up the studio so that my shoot in mid NOV will happen. Looks like i'll be forking out to rent a studio. argh. i'm so damn frustrated that the fact that the Koat Farm doesn't have a name. hmmm.... all so undecided, i dun even know if it's still on. > JUST SAW MY DREAM CHRISTMAS /BIRTHDAY PRESENT........ Ipod Photo... power horse machine.. an MP3 player and a photo storage/viewer. Totally my combination. Too bad it doesn't take photos.. if not i'll be ordering it straight away. The SG prices are like S$800+ for the 40GB one and S$1088 for the 60GB one... my friend from the US can get it fer me at S$760 and S$970 under the educational pricing. Greatest Sigh... so bloody expensive... but so bloody nice...

>Things are finally getting okie with the guys and all. Not that it hasn't but it was a lil rocky i suppose. Thanks to Nicky. And no, you're not a smoke smitten charcoal pit after a bbq. Mel and I are seeing each other again quite so often again. And things are alrite. I'm still having fleeting emotions about this whole matter, esp after reading nicky's blog. I was reminded about wad i told him - have i just let the best thing in my life slipped away? - to his reply, he said to enjoy the moment first... which sucked coz does that mean that the 'moment' WILL definately end?

>I was quite perturbed when i read di's blog. I felt absolutely horrible. I am definately biting my own arse now when i read about how she is getting intimate with another guy. I guess it's horribly stupid and unfair fer me to make such a statement as i've done the same, and even more. If i'm feeling so fucking painful right now, how so was she feeling when i was happily on the romp? Man this sucks. I felt that she is really in the move.. and is trying to forget stuffs and move on. This was what i set out for us to do... and this is regretful. Do i still think of her? yes...I feel torn and broken. Happy for her? yes... to a certain controlled extent. Fuck. ok.. last thing.. this is really childish.. but she actually named her friend "DA-MAN"... that's my fucking name.... guess this fucker doesn't matter to her anymore.. which is expected and... to me... such a well thought of sock in the face. Ah....=(

>In another light, I'm kinda feeling frustrated too the fact that 2 of my bestest friends are hitting on mel. One of them is takin her out to the gym....gym buddies...same kind of dog...going to watch plays ans musicals!! And i wouldn't know all this if she hadn't told me. I mean.. I DUN GO OUT WITH MY FRIEN'S GIRL!!!! especially when i dun even know her in the first place. The other one calls her from overseas... and leaves pretty disturbing messages. SIgh..... Wat mess did i gotten myself into?

>Looks like louis has fucked up once again...He doesn't really do well in relationships... man, half mans... and woman...He doesn't seem to handle people as well as he does in his professional life. He can only last as long as his first breath when it comes to relationships. His mind is totally drained of any rational. His thoughts are total shit when it comes to emotional values. He is covered in smoke all year creating a certain smog when he moves around. He's a fucker... a mean one.

>Anywayz, I'm off to China. Hope Chairman Mao has something for me there. Can't believe this..i'm going all the way there to buy an arrowhead that di lost for me.. as stated in 22.8.2004 entry para 1 onwards. Stupid? yes.. that's me...



2 comments | louis at 19:05




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