10.25.2004
MONOday
MONOday
I havent' been blogging fer god knos who long. I was scared that anyone who reads might see my true me. I was scared that i will be saying the wrong thing. I was scared that each time i type something about someone, that someone will become defensive and totally against me. I was scared of rejection. Fear that people will label be as the bastard of the year again. Fear of not being able to please everyone. I was scared of myself.
Then again, i was thinking, if i'm always living with a false mask, then i'm not really living me no?. And that wad my dad said before he left me, "nobody owes you your own happiness"...doesn't stand anymore? I dread the thought of knowing that i've been living to please the pple ard me. I was pissed to know that everything i've done has been gone to waste.. WTF is this?.. this aint a game of survivor?! My friends are my friends. Whether i pissed them or not. And they are the ones that i've been caring fer, not scheming against.?! Shit... Big mistake... Organising ALywin's Birthday in the hotel last year, bbq at selwyn's this year, getting adrian alcohol ice popsicles, being there for nicky when he came back from aust, burning normies music CD in the late nite, getting ivan that Levis shirt, organising all the potty lucks... and cooking sessions, hell i even brought out my old fryer to make smelling fried chicken..man... I did all that coz i wanted them to know that they are special. I'm not trying to please the guys.. i was afraid of loosing them. I was afraid tat at the end of the day, they'll see the bad-ass, bastard me and then judge me and then tell me to fuck off. Yes fuck off louis, you're such a heart breaker, you have screwed the lives of many and you should eat your own heart coz it probably is the worst tasting thing in the world.
Then i guess it doesn't matter if they think i'm an ass. They just have to accept that i am one. And let me be. Let me grow. Let me be.
I read Alywin's Blog...i almost cried. Depressing? maybe. But more so, i felt that i'm the luckiest person alive. Knowing that there are such friends ard. I read Nicky's blog, and i felt inspired. Looking at his NZ pictures, and him posting them up even tho he lost all the negatives, made me really wonder... why do i do wad i'm doing. I read Diana's blog, and i felt friendship. I loved her, and i still do. That we were once bestest of friends, where she loved me unconditionally even when i was so fuckign conditional. Even when she stood by me the bastard. I found out that this intelligent girl wasn't slow as how stupid i viewed her. She was bringing herself to my sick level of speech. I was the slow dumblond. And as usual... I'm biting my own arse again. That's louis for you.
1 comment
| louis at 16:59
| louis at 16:59
10.15.2004
End's a Bitch
End's a Bitch
"in the end it doesnt raelly matter..." does it eventually? after the lyrics die down? Maybe it does, when the music fades, and the next song plays, then a new mood arises.
Some say that in a relationship, when it ends... the feelings will linger on forever till god knows when.. does it? Coz if feelings continue to linger.. it means the relationship hasn't really ended..no?
Some say that after the ending, there'll be sunshine and a nice rainbow. I see it as shit hitting the fan. and it's all over now...
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| louis at 11:57
| louis at 11:57friends
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